2015

This is gonna be a weird fucking entry.

One: I had fun today. I welcomed the new year with my closest relatives and got to spend the whole day with my cousins.

Two: This year, I just really want to start making someone out of myself. I don't know if that's how it's called. Heh. I'm going to get a job, live on my own, and just... be. These last few months just made me realize that it's very limiting to be surrounded by people you don't share the same dispositions with. Little by little, I'm beginning to learn that my family will always be my family, but growing up... it just sets you apart from them. You have to be your own person and live however you please, you know. Without compromise from personal beliefs. I used to think that was a terrible thing to feel, but that's what happen when you learn. I mean, let's get real. They didn't send me to the university for nothing. It's not just for the academics. Or the job you have after. It's about discovery of yourself, and that's always a great thing. Let's do that.

Three: I didn't have the best teenage years, to put it lightly. People in school weren't okay, and it also wasn't a pleasure at home. I never really fully let go of what happened before, and now,  I don't believe it's ever going to change. My father is a good provider, I'm grateful for that... but he also wasn't Husband of the Year. My parents used to fight about God knows what, and that's what I never got to let go. I don't think it ever changed all these years, and right now, I think it's happening again. He's home a few weeks out of a year, and when he's here, he's so... preoccupied. I always see him on his phone, texting. I mean, come on, you're here with your fucking family, who the fuck are you so busy texting? I get a few glances on his phone and see things that are just enough to make me go back to what used to happen. It was a fucking nightmare, and it still preys on me on some nights. My mother was truly forgiving, and I don't know if she sees what I see now. This is a terrible fucking thing to say, but I think she knows, she's got the feeling that it's happening again. She just doesn't say anything. That fucking pisses me off. She doesn't have the guts, and I dread the fact that I know that and she doesn't. I honestly have no idea if I should talk to her about this. Truly. Honestly. Because I feel like she's had enough for this to still go on. I'm partial. I don't know. I don't want to be the one telling her what to do. I want her to realize it on her own. I have no fucking clue on what to do. I'm selfish, I know that. I just want to get the fuck out of here and not be that stupid. Both my parents piss me off. Their presence around me and their pretense in front of each other just make me want to projectile-vomit on them, scratch my eyeballs off, and strangle whatever area in my brain that makes me see all these.

I don't know. I don't fucking know.

Happy New Year.